Happy Anniversary, Clobin

Where many friends engage in public conversations with one another over Facebook and Twitter to make sure everyone knows who they are talking to and about what, my BFF Chloë and I are way too mature for all that.  We tend to communicate through our blogs with elaborate posts featuring comics, videos, rules for other friendships, friendship business cards and pie charts analyzing each other’s Twitter feeds.

I don't have a business card, but our friendship does.

Now for the one year (and 11 day) anniversary of Chloë’s marriage to her husband Robin, I am sharing an illustrated version of the critically acclaimed speech I gave at their wedding.  Most of the photos are by Andrew Bassett.  I’m not sure if this will work, but actions will be noted in bracketed italics [like so].

~

Hello everyone.  In case you haven’t met me yet, my name is Samuel.  As Chloë’s BFF, it came as no surprise that she should ask me to share a few remarks with all of you.  Since the whole night everyone has been talking about the wedding, I thought that a few people might be bored of it and interested in talking about something else for a change.  As some of you know, I have presented at conferences and public meetings on the subjects of ecology and ethics, but I was thinking that for the occasion I would branch out and try something new.  Let’s start.

All images I found when I searched 'Saskatoon' on Google Images.

As we are in Saskatoon, I thought that we could explore this city as a subject.  How did it come to be?  Why does it persist in being?  Why do I only ever come here in January?  I’ll try to make this a more relaxed presentation, so please feel free to interrupt me at any time if you have scripted questions.

How is this possible?

Let’s first take a look at this unlikely increase of population over time….

[Geoffrey Cameron interrupts presentation with obviously scripted dialogue:] Excuse me, Sam – if it’s alright I would just like to stop you right there with a two-part question.

[Samuel Benoit:] Oh Geoff, it’s so great to see you here – I didn’t know that Chloë had invited you.  Please go ahead.

[GC:]  Well, the first part has to do with Jean Murray’s 1959 analysis of the contest to host the university of Saskatchewan and how this played into the future development of the city…

[SB:]  Actually, I’m planning on getting to that.

[GC:]  Oh.  Great.  The second part of my question is to ask if you plan on covering what is going on right now, namely Chloë and Robin’s wedding.

[SB:]  Robin who?

[GC:]  Wilson.

[SB:]  …I’m going to need more than that.

[GC:]  The dude Chloë just married.

[SB:]  Oh yes!  THAT dude Chloë just married!  I considered doing a presentation on that, but again, figured everyone was more curious about Saskatoon.  But if that’s what people are interested in, I do have some notes on the subject.

[GC:]  I’d be interested in that.

[SB:]  Sounds like fun.  As Chloë can tell you, my memory is pretty bad – normally I count on her for how to spell common words, to tell me about things I have done and rude things I have said to people a long time ago – so putting down old stories without Chloë’s help is very challenging without making things up.

People have often been perplexed about our friendship.  Chloë and I have always expected that even our respective children would someday be confused by it.  “Why is Auntie Chloë so much smarter and funnier than mommy?” my future children will ask me.  “Why do we always have the most fun when Uncle Sam is around?  Also, why is he always around?”  They will ask Chloë.  To both sets of children, we will simply say “SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR NAILS.”

I have always been very protective of Chloë, usually opting to give her friends and roommates a hard time to test their worthiness.  All of her university roommates had no choice but expect phone calls for Chloë between two and five AM for me to call and sing her Elton John and Coldplay songs after late night assignment writing sessions.  [Pause to acknowledge one of Chloë’s former roommates in the audience:]  Hello Fiona, good to see you here.  You look rested.

Fiona looking rested.

I could barely tolerate her friend Goeff, who managed to weasel his way into her life while they both attended Trent University in Peterbourough and my back was turned.  To this day we can barely get along and only very recently I forced him to contribute to a wedding speech I was giving with some obviously scripted and poorly written text.

Geoff and I temporarily putting our differences aside for the sake of the kids.

Even Chloë’s father Bruce has been subjected to my tests of worthiness despite the fact that – so he claims – he knew Chloë first.

Where's the proof?

Somehow these tests of worthiness also explain why I had to shamelessly flirt with Chloë’s old roommate Celeste every time I visited Chloë in Peterborough.  [Pause to shamelessly flirt with Celeste:]  Hello Celeste.  You are looking wonderful tonight.  As always.

Celeste looking wonderful. As always.

One of the first things I noticed about Robin was his height.  As my mother would have said if she could have made it here tonight, anything over six feet is just showing off – it’s unnecessary.  So, by virtue of his genetics - [Pause to acknowledge his towering parents:] Hello Tony and Bernadette – Robin is a show off.

The towering Wilsons next to another family for scale.

Another so called attribute of Robin’s we all know about is that he’s too smart.  Some other things he is too good at include: drawing, beard growing and spouse choosing.

One of Robin's totally insane drawings.

It's all real.

Robin passed my subtle tests of worthiness, showing great strength of character, devotion to Chloë and probably most importantly, wit.  Likely through some sort of cheating.

Chloë, I know that over the past few days you have often wished you were just married and not this bride everyone is making you out to be – that it’s been frustrating at the same time as you have had to acknowledge that you can’t control how people express themselves and the extent to which they follow your precise instructions.  So just to remind you that you really aren’t in control – after I am finished speaking something is going to happen up here that you didn’t plan.  [After my speech Chloë’s sisters sang Timon and Pumba’s part of ‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight’ from the Lion King.]

"...our trio's down to two..."

But before that, a message to Robin:  Even though I couldn’t protect Chloë from you – I am now bound to protect you as well.  For that, I congratulate you.

Hugs all around.

‘Something so important’

About a year ago I put together this video while I was working directly with the Otesha Project as Programs Director.  To develop content for an upcoming fundraiser a number of the staff put together ‘digital stories’ based on our personal reflections on the work of the organization.  The cheesyness of my video irks me a bit, but you know what?!  I meant what I said and I still mean it, so here it is.  Bonus points go to whoever can mention the text I was citing at the 0:47 and 2:00 marks in the video.

The Otesha Project continues to spread the jam from their new downtown Ottawa headquarters and are now recruiting for the slate of crazy tours they have planned for 2012.  More information is available on the website.  Please share with anyone you think might be interested in connecting with Canadian youth around environmental sustainability and social justice as they live as part of a sustainable mobile community.

Performance of ‘Radiant Heart’ by Iain Nabil

Iain Nabil Ferguson is a fellow Canadian who has been serving at the Baha’i House of Worship here in New Delhi for the past few months.  He sings a number of songs based on the writings of the Baha’i Faith in this wonderful style that strikes me as quintessentially Canadian.  This one is based on the following two selections from The Hidden Words by Baha’u'llah:

O SON OF SPIRIT! My first counsel is this: Possess a pure, kindly and radiant heart, that thine may be a sovereignty ancient, imperishable and everlasting. (Number 1, from the Arabic)

O SON OF BEING! Love Me, that I may love thee. If thou lovest Me not, My love can in no wise reach thee. Know this, O servant. (Number 5, from the Arabic)

You can listen to more of Iain’s music and keep track of him online on his Myspace and Facebook pages.  For another such video, check out this one I made with Honeyman and the Brothers Farr.  For more great music based on the Baha’i writings, check out this selection from the band The Hidden Words.

Anna’s presentation

Last post I  shared some photos of demonstrators at India Gate on the evening anti-corruption crusader Anna Hazare walked out of Tihar jail to begin his public fast to demand a strong anti-corruption bill be passed by the Indian parliament.  Heres a quick video of some of the chants.  If you watch very carefully you will see that magical moment when one chant leader is replaced by another.

Since then I have been witnessing Anna-fever all over the city.  Huge flags and loud slogans have been pouring out of trucks, cars and autorickshaws.  Last Saturday I witnessed as group of men rallied – flags, chants and all – their way from one metro line to another.  Half of each day’s newspaper has been dedicated to the story with articles on every aspect of Hazare’s health and the government’s ongoing efforts to get in front of the story for once.On Friday evening I hopped on a bus to Ramlila Grounds to spend a few moments at ground zero of Hazare’s movement, the space where he has been sitting and fasting, surrounded by his advisers, supporters and the media.

Getting off the bus, I followed the crowd through the streets of Old Delhi until I found my self in an orderly line that I knew must lead into the grounds.  Volunteers were handing out bananas and small plastic packets of drinking water.

Many have described Hazare’s movement to be primarily of the middle class, but one could see the poor of Old Delhi taking part as well.  Many were selling different versions of Hazare’s white Nehru cap with the words “I am Anna” printed on them.  There were young men circulating the crowd offering to paint the tricolor (orange, white and green) on your face for five rupees.  Further away a couple young boys were shrieking with laughter as they squeezed drinking water packets at each other.

Metal detectors and pat-downs by distracted police officers are a common feature of life in Delhi.  You can’t take a ride on the metro, watch a movie, enter a mall or temple without one.  By the time the line had taken me to the line of metal detectors I was already stuffing free banana number three into my mouth.  Just then thick white smoke started surrounding us to give the whole scene a much more authentic protest look and feel.  Rather than from tear gas, the smoke was coming from two bicycles with small fumigation machines.  The demonstration had been getting some bad press for the sanitary conditions.

Now in the grounds, I followed the sound of the loud speakers across a muddy expanse populated by streams of people navigating through the large puddles.  Compared to the rest of India, Delhi gets barely any rain but with a total lack of drainage, Delhi can flood with the best of Indian cities.  Half an hour of heavy rain can leave behind days of massive puddles.

It wasn’t long before I was in the thick of the crowd and finally setting eyes on the 74 year old Gandhian activist sitting below a blown up photograph of the original Gandhian (Gandhi).  Nothing between me and the big man but a moat full of media people and smokey Delhi air.

There was a similar spirit of fun and camaraderie among demonstrators that I had seen earlier at India Gate.  Children, youth, middle-aged and elderly people were all there and there was even a section penned off for women, just like what you can find on a Delhi metro train.  Hazare sat alone on the stage as others screamed into the microphone in Hindi, occasionally inspiring the crowd to chant ‘Long live the revolution!  Long live Anna Hazare!’

After an afternoon out with a friend the next day (Saturday) we saw a crowd of young men leaning in to watch a small television in a textile shop.  The government had held an emergency parliamentary vote on Hazare’s version of the anti-corruption bill and passed it.  He hadn’t eaten in 12 days but there he was on TV giving a raucous speech.  I asked one of the guys watching if he had eaten anything yet and he said that apparently he was going to hold off until Sunday morning.

Since then he ate breakfast checked into a private hospital here in Delhi where he is reportedly being attended by 36 doctors.  Now that they have defeated corruption, Anna’s team has announced their next project – they want Indians to have the right to recall Ministers of Parliament mid-term.

This whole story has raised to many important questions over the past few months related to democracy, the role of institutions and of the culture of corruption.  Along with constant updates on Anna and the government’s response to his movement, the papers have also been providing a steady stream of op-ed on the story.  Everyone has an opinion on it, but mine is still under construction.  Might have more on that here later.

Anti-corruption demonstrations in New Delhi

If you haven’t been in India or purposefully following the news here, it’s possible that you might have finally heard about the intense conversation about corruption that is going on here.  That’s because this week zillions of people have been taking it to the streets to show their support for activist Anna Hazare.  Seeing on the news that demonstrations were just around the corner at the iconic India Gate monument, I decided to grab my camera and check it out.

This blog has gone without updates for a long while, but I do have a bunch of interesting items to share so I decided to get warmed up by sharing some timely photos.

This story has finally broken into international news thanks very much to the decision of Delhi police to arrest Mr. Hazare for refusing to abide by a number of the conditions they had imposed for his next fasting sit-in. The purpose of the sit-in was to demand a particular piece of anti-corruption legislation to come before the Indian parliament just the way he think it should.

Long story short, they decided to release him from prison a few hours later but Mr. Hazare decided to stick around in the jail and begin fasting there.  He finally decided to leave today and made is way to Ramlila Grounds in Delhi where he plans to continue fasting for the next 15 days.

A few more photos can be found in this new album on Flickr.  For a good primer on the whole story, check out this article from the Globe and Mail.

Why I don’t really use Twitter: It’s doomed.

As everyone on the Internet has probably already heard, my BFF Chloe Filson recently accused me of being awful at Twitter on her popular egg-pun website Real Life Artist. As you can see by the below chart, she has detected that my nascent Twitter account is in fact maintained by a robot while my my blog, Flickr photostream and LinkedIn profile indicate a human being and my Facebook profile is questionable.  Below are her findings:

Figure 1: Chloe's analysis of my social network activity. Click to expand.

She also provides the following pie chart of my 42 tweets to date:

Figure 2: Yucky pie made out of my robot tweets

So is it true that my Facebook and Twitter accounts are being maintained by robots?  That’s ridiculous!  And true.  Ridiculously true.  The only reason I joined Twitter because of the number of robots available to help me share the activity I care about to some of the networks I care less about.  My friend Dakshana has also called me out for using Twitter as my very own real life WUPHF.

I performed my own little analysis of Chloe’s 497 tweets since she joined the network on 21 February 2011.

Figure 3: Delicious pie made of Chloe's tweets

As you can see in the above pie chart, most of Chloe’s tweets are about tea.  While I cannot claim to have done an actual study her tweets like she did of mine, I will claim that my pie is prettier than hers.  Just look at it.  Mine is all three dimensional and textured.  Just look.  It is true that Chloe used Twitter to openly conspire with Stephanie Doig about how they were going to call me out for being bad at Twitter, something I would have seen if I wasn’t so bad at Twitter.

So far Chloe’s campaign has earned six ‘likes’ on Facebook, one ‘like’ on WordPress and one supportive comment on the blog post while another commenter wants me to be his life coach even though he has a much better life (and blog) than me. That makes it a total of 10 people who openly care about by horrible tweeting.  Not a very impressive number, especially if you compare it to the 39 people who have joined the Facebook group “if 1 000 000 people join they will ban COLSLAW !!!!” [sic].  It is also interesting to note that most of the ten people who joined Chloe’s campaign are among those who I threatened by name in my speech at Chloe’s wedding.  Who knows what their true motives are.

Figure 4: The Internet doesn't care that I am bad at Twitter

The end of Twitter is nigh and we know when

You know who else doesn’t want me to use Twitter?  The universe, that’s who.  Twitter is doomed.  This rest of this post is dedicated to the over 200 million registered Twitter users who have been investing this platform with their quips, insights and impersonations of Star Wars characters.

To do some research on the fate of Twitter, I partnered with Real Life Scientist and Real Life Chloe-husband Robin Wilson and his Real Life Buddy Berkley Staite.  In order to select an appropriate stand-in for Twitter in our doomsday calculations, Robin and Berkley provide the following analysis.  If you don’t understand it, that’s okay – you probably don’t have an advanced degree in science.

1) ‘Chloe Filson’ almost sort of rhymes with ‘Tony’s cinnamon bunn’.

Figure 5: Tony with his bunn

2) Tony built Monstro LAN-D, the fourth of seven LANs made up of ungodly tentacle networking and terrifying many-eyed hubs.

Figure 6: Montstro LAN-D

3) Monstro LAN-D was built by Pheer McQuink, a half-legged clock salesman.  His motto is “Would you like to buy a-HO-HO-HO-CLOCK?”

Figure 7: Pheer McQuink selling clocks

4) “HO-HO-HO-CLOCK” looks like a string of modified Starship Enterprises (from Star Trek) being pulled by CLOCK which is almost the same as Nugbert (both words are a single letter in height).

Figure 8: Nugbert pulls some Enterprises

15) Nugbert, the helpful ship-pulling clock, under the alias Sam-I-Am met Jean-Luc Picard on twitter, and they’re totally rad pals.

Figure 9: It all comes full circle

To review:

Chloe Filson = Tony’s cinnamon bunn = Monstra LAN D = HO-HO-HO-clock = Nugbert the clock = Twitter.  Chloe Filson is Twitter.  Twitter is Chloe Filson. 

Now that we have concluded that, the next question is as to the fate of Twitter now that we know that it is Chloe Filson.  Consider the following indisputable facts:

1) Chloe Filson = Twitter (see above).

2) Chloe was born on 6 December 1984 and died 27 August 2008 when I hosted a fake funeral for her instead of a going away party before she moved to Israel.  By that point she had lived 8,665 days.

Figure 10: Me delivering an eulogy at Chloe's funeral next to her taxidermied corpse.

3) In 1984, the average lifespan of a Canadian woman was 79.9 years.  Chloe therefore lived out only 29.7% of her lifespan.

4) According to Audubon Magazine reader and Twitter user Vernon Gauthier, the bird in the Twitter logo is a Blue Jay.

Figure 11: Blue Jay

Figure 12: Blue Jay

Figure 13: Blue Jay

5) The longest recorded lifespan of the Blue Jay is 16 years and 4 months.

6) Twitter launched on 15 July 2006.

7) According to her third grade Language Arts notebook, when Chloe was nine years old, she knew 12 monsters (see below table).  Now that Chloe is 26 years old, it is logical to presume that she must know 35 monsters by now if she has continued to follow the same pace of monster-knowledge.

Figure 14: Monsters Chloe knew at nine years old

Figure 15: Rate of Chloe's monster-knowledge

Therefore:

29.7% [Chloe's lifespan fulfillment] x 16 years and 4 months [Blue Jay's lifespan] = 4.85 years or 1,776 days

4.85 years or 1,776 days + 15 July 2006 [Twitter's launch date] = 26 May 2011

So if Chloe is Twitter and Twitter is a Blue Jay, Twitter should have died on 26 May 2011.  It didn’t.  Clearly we need to add a correction factor.  This is where the monsters come in:

26 May 2011 + 35 monsters = 30 June 2011

That’s right – Thursday, 30 June of this year Twitter is going to end somehow.  Bold prediction?  Robin and I feel the math speaks for itself.

And that, Chloe, is why I do not really use Twitter.

The Baha’i Academy (where I have been for the past two months)

I have always been fascinated by how Baha’i and Baha’i-inspired organizations tend to evolve so drastically to meet changing conditions and build on experience.  The Baha’i Academy is a perfect example.  It began in 1982  to provide an academic home for some of the many Baha’i scholars who were forced to flee Iran during the Islamic Revolution.  For many years they ran training programs for Baha’is who were coming in from all over the world in venues all over Panchgani like the campus of the New Era Teacher Training Centre and the famous Prospect Hotel.  In 1998 the Academy moved into its current home right next to the Baha’i Bhavan (Baha’i Centre) and an old house that apparently Gandhi had stayed in at some point.

'Baha'i Academy 002' by Flickr user Neissan Alessandro

In 2000 it began to collaborate with a number of colleges and universities across the state of Maharashtra to offer a program that helps to fill the gap that exists in value education offered to students.  Since then the Academy has gone on to focus more and more on this program and develop curriculum that is used along side curriculum developed by the The Foundation for the Application and Teaching of the Sciences (FUNDAEC) in Columbia.

To support the Academy’s efforts to build institutional capacity I have had the chance to help out things like their three year planning process, website planning, curriculum development and public relations work.  One of the main reasons I decided to set out on from home again this year was to have the chance to work in an environment where I could more directly and explicitly apply the teachings of the Baha’i Faith in the context of a formal organization.  It’s been incredibly stimulating to spend so much time studying material to try to draw from the experience of other Baha’i-inspired organizations all over the world that are part of this collective learning process about how to effectively engage in social action and discourse.

Click here to see a small set of photos from trip I went on to Nashik for the Baha’i Academy.  Click here to see a larger set from the Baha’i Academy, including many of enormous toads.

WORST ANNIVERSARY EVER

12 June 2010 demonstration in Berlin

This Saturday 14 May 2011 will mark the completion of a full three years behind bars for six of the seven Iranians who had been serving as ad hoc administrators Baha’i community of Iran, known as the Yaran (Farsi for ‘friends). This milestone comes at the same time as we receive word that the two imprisoned women, Fariba Kamalabadi and Mahvash Sabet have been moved from Gohardasht Prison to Qarchak Prison. Apparently Qarchak Prison is basically a warehouse occupied by about 400 female criminals and political prisoners somewhere outside Tehran.

While Baha’is are encouraged to raise awareness of the oppression of their coreligionists in Iran, we are also asked not to circulate information until it has been confirmed to be completely true.  That said, Facebook messages and emails currently circulating on this recent development are underscoring the fears of friends and loved ones around the world for the health and safety of Mrs. Kamalabadi and Mrs. Sabet now that they are in Qarchak Prison.

Fariba Kamalabadi and Mahvash Sabet before their imprisonment

What type of people are we talking about here?  American journalist Roxana Saberi shared a cell with Mrs. Kamalabadi and Mrs. Sabet in Evin Prison for a few weeks in 2009 and shared this account in an op-ed piece in the Washington Post:

…my cellmates’ spirits would not be broken, and they boosted mine. They taught me to, as they put it, turn challenges into opportunities — to make the most of difficult situations and to grow from adversity. We kept a daily routine, reading the books we were eventually allowed and discussing them; exercising in our small cell; and praying — they in their way, I in mine. They asked me to teach them English and were eager to learn vocabulary for shopping, cooking and traveling. They would use the new words one day, they told me, when they journeyed abroad. But the two women also said they never wanted to live overseas. They felt it their duty to serve not only Bahais but all Iranians.

Later, when I went on a hunger strike, Mahvash and Fariba washed my clothes by hand after I lost my energy and told me stories to keep my mind off my stomach. Their kindness and love gave me sustenance.

…I know that despite what they have been through and what lies ahead, these women feel no hatred in their hearts. When I struggled not to despise my interrogators and the judge, Mahvash and Fariba told me they do not hate anyone, not even their captors.

We believe in love and compassion for humanity, they said, even for those who wrong us.

What can reasonable, concerned people do about this?  We are talking about the actions of a government that seems to be totally ambivalent to international pressure, content to live in its own version of reality.  Do they care what we think?  I have no idea what will prove effective in the long run, but it behooves us to do whatever we can, right?  Here are some ideas:

Learn more

• Read the article on this anniversary and latest development from the Baha’i World News Service.
• Read the special report by the Baha’i World News Service.

Stay informed

• Follow the blog Iran Press Watch.
• Follow the blog of the Muslim Network for Baha’i Rights.

Do something

• Events are coming up in India, the US and Netherlands.  Click here for details.
• Send an email to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad here.
• Americans!  Contact your Senators and representatives to order them to support some particular pieces of legislation.
• Tweet, share on Facebook, email or blog any of the above or other resources that you think your contacts will find useful.
• Pray.  Yes, prayer counts as doing something.

Other ideas?  Please comment!

My 2006 correspondence with the Prime Minister’s Office

Back in my university days I used to read the National Post.  Not because I liked it – in fact, I hate that paper.  I read it because copies were being given away for free on campus and I could draw pictures on them during lectures.  In honor of the democracy that Canadians were recently reminded of over the past few weeks, I would like to share one such drawing I did in 2006.  It depicts Canadian Prime Minister Batman passing a parliamentary motion declaring that Quebec was a nation within Canada.

I was very proud of the drawing.  In fact I was so proud that I took a picture of it with my computer’s webcam so that I could email it to Batman himself because I thought he would get a kick out of it.  After hours of searching for Batman’s email address, I decided to send it to the Prime Minister instead.  Below is the actual email I sent to the Prime Minister’s office on 27 November 2006:

Dear Prime Minister’s People,

Attached is an illustration I did during a lecture at my university over an image of Mr. Harper.  I just figured that if there were people out there drawing pictures on my face it would fun to see them myself or to put on my fridge or something.  If the Prime Minister ever sees it, I would love to hear his reaction.  If he wants, I can send him a picture of myself that he can draw on if he ever gets bored.

Regards,

Samuel Benoit (Ottawa)

Three days later, on 30 December 2006 I received the following reply:

Dear Mr. Benoit:

On behalf of the Right Honourable Stephen Harper, I would like to acknowledge receipt of your e-mail.

Thank you for writing to the Prime Minister. You may be assured that your comments have been carefully reviewed and are appreciated. For more information on the Government’s initiatives, you may wish to visit the Prime Minister’s Web site, at www.pm.gc.ca.

L.A. Lavell
Executive Correspondence Officer
for the Prime Minister’s Office
Agent de correspondance
de la haute direction
pour le Cabinet du Premier ministre

It felt really nice to hear that my comments were carefully reviewed and appreciated by someone.  I was disappointed that Mr. Harper was not into the idea of drawing on a picture of my face, but I’m still pretty sure that he did print out a copy of my drawing and put it on his fridge.

UPDATE:  The above image has been reposted on the very hilarious 2011 Canadian Election tumblr blog.  Check it out for gallons of hilarious visual memes from the election campaign.